Uber Chronicles


Uber Chronicles:

(warning this one is a little R rated.)

I don't know what it is about Malibu and Calabasas that bring out the most interesting riders. After I escaped LAX In & Out I picked up at LAX and dropped off in Calabasas a good hour plus drive at the peak of afternoon rush. I was supposed to be at class back in WEHO around 7 and that wasn't going to happen, its was already 7, so I stayed up in the valley picking up and dropping off a mix of white and blue collar folks. It was getting pretty late when I pulled up to a nice house with a very tall striking looking young man out front who I will dub, "Mama's Boy", for reasons that should become evident:

Me: For Debra?

MB: Yeah that's my Mom

Me: OK.

MB: How's your night going?

Me: So far so good...

MB: I am having the worst day.

Me: Sorry to hear that.

MB: OMG can we go back I forgot my ear rings.

Me: Sure no problem.

MB: If my boyfriend sees me without those earrings I am in soooo much trouble...

(MB hops out runs inside comes right back)

MB: Thanks. This day is just awful.

Me: What's up?

MB: I had the worst car accident today.

Me: Sorry to hear that...

MB: It's all good. 27k in damage.

Me: Damn what kind of car was it?

MB: Brand new BMW not a real fancy one a three series. I just got it.

I was on the freeway trying to get into the right lane and i hit a Porsche.

Me: Damn

MB: Yeah some bitch was passing me doing like 80 or 90 on my right.

Me: Wow, glad you are OK.

MB: Yeah but the airbags shredded my pants.

Me: What?

MB: Yeah the air bag just shredded one leg of my pants just vaporized.

(I am flashing back to my vaporized meal from jack in the box on my infamous junket crash with Greg Russell.)

MB: So not only did I trash my car I trashed a 200 dollar pair of pants... ( I'm thinking well yes there are priorities and then there are priorities.)

MB: I am leaving my house and going to my boyfriends because my Mom is being just such a bitch about the whole thing!

(who do you think paid for the BMW and the insurance?

The conversation turns to the impending monsoon set to move in anytime and then...)

MB: I know an Uber Driver he told me he had to wait for 30 minutes in line to pick up some kid from school. (We chat about the gray areas of picking up kids and then...)

MB: The craziest thing that happened to me in an Uber is like I am talking to the driver and we of course we start talking about sex and drugs...

Me: uh huh...

MB: The next thing I know I have a finger up my ass!

(believe it or not I didn't swerve or jump on the brakes!)

Me: What? Did you report that? (first thing that popped into my head.)

MB: No

Me: WHY NOT!

MB: It was kinda a mutual thing...

Me: Kinda?

MB: Yes it was mutual.

Me: Well I am heterosexual (felt like I should put that out there in case anyone thinks a finger should get loosened up.) and nothing like that has even come close to happening in my car....

MB: Well gay men are just a lot more aggressive sexually...

Me: Well as a heterosexual (twice can't hurt right?) I don't know if I can relate but yeah I guess I get it... (not the sudden finger up the anus thing but what he's trying to say.)

MB: You know what the problem with Women is?

Me: uh?

MB: They can get pregnant.

Me: Uh yeah that's true...

( at this point for reasons I can't quite put my finger up... I open up with MB and yes you the reader.)

Me: I haven't had to worry about that since jeeze since I think I was still in my 20"s

MB: Why?

Me: I got snipped.

MB: Did it hurt?

Me: No out patient no big deal, I think I went home and mowed the lawn... (that actually happened I was still on the valium.)

MB: Wow that's great you did it so young.

Me: Well my ex-wife and I already had two sons and our third was on the way and she was so miserable when she was pregnant it seemed like a slam dunk idea at the time. ( all I can say was at this moment this seemed like the most relaxed and casual conversation. totally natural. hey I had an Uber Driver stick his finger up my ass... Oh? I got snipped when I was 28... Gonna rain big time tomorrow...)

So we arrive at the boyfriends...

MB: Thanks you have a great night.

Me: You too I hope things turn around for you...

MB: Oh they will... Oh almost forgot my cigarettes. You want one?

Me: No I'm good.

MB: OK have a great night...

Me: You too...

As I pulled away in the dark deep in the heart of the valley it crossed my mind... on second thought maybe I do want on of those cigarettes....


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