The following chapter of Uber Chronicles is rated Facebook MA and is intended for mature readers, reader discretion advised.
Uber Chronicles: Rich, Drunk and Angry on a Saturday Afternoon...
Usually the sun has gone down when the craziness ramps up in Uber world like last Friday night when a guy with tattoos all over his body decided to jump out in front of my car on Beverly just a little east of Larchmont. It was around midnight and I think he thought he could stop my car. I was doing about 30 and missed him by inches and after that I knew it was time to head home but the next day, Saturday, the wackiness started early with the sun still high in the sky...
“Olivia”: I just dropped off in Hermosa Beach when I got a hit about a block away for Olivia. I can see in my rear view a guy waiting on the street so maybe that's my fare.
Me: For Olivia?
Olivia: Yep that's me. I look like Olivia right?
(Olivia is a big dude. Full beard, stocking cap, big sun glasses, flannel and very tan and already I can tell Olivia is buzzed.)
Olivia: How you doing?
Me: So far so good. You?
Olivia: I am pissed!
Me: Oh? What's up?
Olivia: I want to sell my house but my Mom won't let me. That's my house there, the brown one.
(We are passing a large house up on the hill about four blocks of the beach. Curb appeal lacking, needs some work but big ocean views off the back.)
Olivia: Yeah it's a four million dollar house. I want to sell it but my Mom wants me to give it to my brothers. Fuck that shit! Stupid bitch! That's not gonna happen. She's a crazy Irish bitch. She never even graduated from High School, she's from Philly. She's Irish, mad and crazy. I guess that makes me a mad, crazy, Irish dude...
Me: Is your name on the title?
Me: Well there you go...
Olivia: I am telling you man that house is a pussy magnet...
(At this point a large SUV starts to roll through a stop sign in our direction. Doesn't even get a rise out of me but for Olivia...)
Olivia: WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!
(I can see Olivia in my mirror yelling at the occupants of the luxury SUV, our windows are up.)
Olivia: These people are the worst man! God they can't drive!
Me: No Beverly Hills is worse...
Olivia: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT! YOU JUST SAID THE TWO WORDS I HATE MOST IN THIS WORLD. BEVERLY AND HILLS! THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE THE WORST... Well the old people are OK it's the young ones that suck. Do these parents raise these kids or not? I am heading to the Kings game, last game I thought I was gonna get murdered man... These gang bangers man...
Olivia continues to rail against young people and I drop him off at, where else, a bar... Olivia wants to shake my hand. Apparently we were bonding more than I thought.
Shirma: After dropping off Olivia I pick up a family of four and their bags, I was amazed it all fit in my Prius C, dropped them off at LAX and then got a hit for Shirma... Shirma is another really big dude. Not fat, no just really big, ripped, finishing up a cigarette, head phones on, big sun glasses, tan and yelling into his cell phone. Even from inside the car I am thinking this guy is loaded. Shit. I won't be able to deal with this guy if he gets out of control. It's only about 3 in the afternoon.
Shirma: YEAH DUDE IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!
Me: For Shirma? (He's not listening at all he's on the phone.) Sunset Blvd? West Hollywood?
Shirma: I AM IN A CAB DUDE! (To me) Yeah but I want to stop in Santa
Monica first can we do that?
Me: No problem...
Shirma: Yeah Rick dropped for a suite at the Mondrian! No Dude Josh isn't coming. No Josh is being a total dick! Yeah his flight was delayed so he just bailed. He set everything up and he just bailed so Rick just dropped on a thousand square foot suite at the Mondrian! Yeah it's gonna be epic man! Tons of un-lubed butt sex! No Josh is a dick, I think everybody is cool with him not being here... No Rick is paying for it... Shit man he just closed a ten million dollar deal... No man he got here first so he took care of it, I would have done the same thing if I got here first... OK dude see you soon... Yeah I am headed to the hotel now... Later... (to me) Hey man how you doing?
Me: So far so good...
Shirma: You sure it's cool if we stop in Santa Monica? I need to see a friend...
Me: No worries...
Shirma: I need about ten minutes you mind waiting?
Me: No problem. (Gonna see a friend? Ten minutes? I think the stop is to pick up “supplies”.)
Shirma: LA is the best man! The weather is awesome! (back on the phone. Sounds like a female on the other end this time.) Hey! Yeah I am in a cab... Yeah we got a suite it's gonna be awesome! Yeah Rick got us a suite... Yeah he got it he just signed a deal... Josh was being a total dick... I am so drunk! Yeah I had four beers at SFO and two bloody marys on the plane... ( call goes on for a while as I make our way through Marina Del Rey, through Venice down to Ocean in Santa Monica. I spot a really pimped out Benz. Shirma is off the phone. I point out the car.)
Me: I don't think I have seen one of those before. ( It's a Benz C63 AMG. Flat matt black finish. Yellow racing stripe fender to fender. Totally blacked out windows and black rims with yellow edges and the newer CA black and yellow retro plate.)
Shirma: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! (Shirma is yelling at the other car.)
WHAT THE FUCK!!! THAT STRIPE IS JUST LAME!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS
WRONG WITH YOU!!! I HAVE A REALLY SMALL DICK!!! I HAVE A REALLY SMALL PENIS AND I COMPINSATE BY DRIVING THIS REALLY LAME CAR!!! WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT!!!
GOD I HAVE A REALLY SMALL DICK!!! LA IS THE WORST!!! Must be an Arab...
( We get to a nice condo building right on Ocean but there looks like some left over police tape draped on the side of the front door. Shirma calls my phone with his so I have his number in case I need to call him while I am waiting. It says the call is from Pontiac Michigan...)
Shirma: OK man I will be right back...
Me: Take your time... (Shirma is only gone a few minutes. Now he's back out front having a cigarette He then dash's across Ocean to smoke closer to the Pacific and see the ocean.)
Shirma: OK thanks for waiting man... Let's hit it...
We make our way up to Sunset through Brentwood in the shadow of OJ, along the border of Westwood and Bell Air to Beverly Hills. Shirma is noting the geography and saying how great LA is again. He's over the lame Benz and has been sobering up over the course of the drive. He's asks me to stop at a gas station. We hit the station on Sunset, on The Strip. He walks out with a bunch of cheap cigars and Figi water. One of the big bottles is for me. Nice touch. We get to the hotel... Shirma wants to shake my hand.
Shirma: Thanks for everything Man... You are alright...
Me: Have fun...
Carney's is just down the street so a chili dog is in order and I splurge for
the chili fries too. It's going on about 5 on a brilliant Saturday afternoon on The Sunset Strip. Maybe it's time I start drinking earlier on the weekend..